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Alright, you guys have waited patiently. Are you ready? Here it comes... It's time for...! LET'S PLAY! TALES OF SYMPHONIA: DAWN OF THE NEW WORLD! *sounds of hushed screams and applause from nowhere*


The game starts out with a prologue, which details the events of Tales of Symphonia. It's voiced by Kratos. The poor guy's stuck on Derris-Kharlan, so the only role he could get is a bit part as a narrator.

We are then taken to a scene of Palmacosta, on fire. Lloyd's standing on a rooftop. The camera cuts away to a different part of Palmacosta, where we see Marta holding a red jewel, running for her life. See Marta run. Marta runs fast. MARTA GETS THE FUCK AWAY FROM THOSE VANGUARD SOLDIERS. The nations of Sylvarant and Tethe'alla don't get along, I guess. Climates changed, with deserts being covered in snow, lakes dried, forests burn, and glaciers melted. It messed things up pretty badly, I guess, since the Sylvaranti got pretty pissed and formed some resistance force against the Tethe'allans who are supported by the Church of Martel, which is called the Vanguard.

We then cut to two parents, who are calling out to their son "Emil" to hurry up, because Lloyd's coming. I didn't know Lloyd was a horrible villain, like Jason. They're all "OH NOES LLOYD'S GONNA KILL US." and he's like "THAT'SA RIGHT, BITCHES. >8D *kills*"

Baaaack to Marta. This scene changes too much. We now see a blond-haired boy in a white coat and with grey eyes. WHO COULD HE BE? Apparently, he saved Marta. That's what she clai--sdlfkjalskfdjlksadjf oh god what was that noi--...Oh it was just Tenebrae. Never mind.

Okay, now we're back to those parents. The boy approaches the two, who were cut down by Lloyd. Dick. They say he's Emil, so he must be Emil, right?! She wasn't blind and near-death, after all. Telling him he has to live, and such! He certainly must be their son! Poor kid, losing his parents to that damn bastard Lloyd who is definitely not supposed to be a hero. The scene ends with Emil crying out "MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!" What about your dad, huh? HE WAS RIGHT THERE, YOU KNOW. HE DIED WITHOUT HIS SON CRYING OUT FOR HIM.

CHAPTER 1 START!

sfdlkjasdlkfjsdf it's that howl again. TENEBRAE WHY DO YOU HOWL LIKE THAT? YOU AREN'T A CAT, SO DON'T HOWL LIKE ONE. Okay, we're now in Luin, and we see Emil again, now wearing some dorky white shirt and dark blue shorts with belts on the legs of them. Okay, Emil, what is up with your fashion sense? You're worse than Kratos when it comes to belts. He may wear over 9000 of them, but at least his serve a purpose. Oh, by the way, he has green eyes now. WTF?

And now we see Emil's Aunt Flora. Emil stutters as he greets her. God, what a pussy. Aunt Flora, who is a total bitch to Emil, by the way, says that monsters have going down into the lakebed. You know, back in my day, the only thing that went into lakes was water and fish! And those fish didn't stay there for long! You went in there and you caught those fish, and then you ate 'em! AND WE LIKED IT! DAMMIT TENEBRAE STOP HOWLING, I'M COMING. And you apologize too much, Emil. You're like Colette without boo--...Oh, wait. Never mind.

Okay, exitting out of the house now. I guess we now know why there was a second floor to the inn that was only accessible to the outside. Walking down the stairs, doo doo do--SHUT UP TENEBRAE. Emil claims the howling is coming from the Plaza. LET'S GO LOOK, SHALL WE?

....Nope, no Tenebrae. Just a statue of Lloyd the Great Big Damn Motherfucking Hero in a cool pose. Emil no likey the statue. He brushes right past the statue without paying respects to the statue. The hicks in Luin don't take kindly to the statue of their great hero being so cruelly snubbed like that, much less by a pussy like Emil! They start harassing the kid, telling him to swear to Lloyd the Great. Man, if I was Emil, I'd swear alright. But I don't think they mean my kind of swearing. Since they don't want my swearing, and I'm sure as hell ain't letting Emil do their kind of swearing, there's only one choice. DON'T SWEAR. So in the first, and only display of courage Emil will ever display, he tells them to fuck off because he doesn't want to swear. Hicks don't take kindly to that, so they push him. Aaaaand he lands right in front of the token bishounen character. This guy has his own theme music, so he must be important. His theme music sounds like porno music. The guy scares the two hicks away and then tells Emil to stand up for himself. I'd be inclined to agree with him, but you seem to get your ass kicked whenever you do that, Emil.

Emil starts musing to himself, about how he's so pathetic and can't make any friends and was too scared to even thank the guy. And then he flashbacks to what the guy just said, sepia-toned still image included. Dude, you just saw him two minutes ago. You don't need a flashback scene. Anyway, he decides to go thank the guy! Spoilers his name is Richter.

We go to the next scene to find the guy staring at the Raine statue. Emil talks to him aaaaand... is scared shitless. But have no fear, Richter's quite the conversationalist! Knowing that his name is Emil, he cuts right to the chase, asking him about a girl with a red jewel on her forehead. Now why does that sound familiar? Anyway, he then tells him the cheesy saying that will fuel this game's story, "Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality." Cheesy, amirite? Richter talks to him about courage and being a man and not a dog and stuff. Wanna give him the Birds and the Bees, too? That cheesy saying becomes Emil's mantra. Dammit all.

I SAID I'M COMING, TENEBRAE. HOLD YOUR HORSES. NOW the howl is coming from the lakebed. How does it move from the plaza to the lakebed? HOW? Guess I gotta go to the lakebed. But before we go, another scene! Enter Emil's Uncle Alba! Man, Alba and Flora are made for each other. Flora's kind of harsh, but Alba's just a total prick. No wonder Emil has -20 confidence. Emil wonders about going to the lakebed, and then has ANOTHER flashback, this time to his second conversation with Richter, about being a man and not a dog. Man, you'd swear this kid has some sort of obsession with Richter.

And we're off to Lake Sinoa Cave, which was apparently there in the first game but never shown! Emil walks in, looking around, scared out of his min--HOLY SHIT EGGBEAR OH GOD OH GOD WHERE IS KAROL WHEN I NEED HIM?! AHHHHHHHHH I DON'T WANNA DI--...Phew, that girl from the prologue appears and saves Emil's ass. I wasn't scared for him or anything! Really! Man, must be really emasculating to be saved by a girl. Anyway, the girl, who we shall call Marta, insults Emil's courage, which causes him to have another flashback about Richter's Courage speech. AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ROUND TWO AGAINST THE EGGBEAR. btw I carried over monsters, so now I have some very overpowered monsters helping me out in this game. The eggbear dies in one hit to my... Kitty Kat?!

After having slayed the Eggbear, Marta recognizes Emil, as that guy who was Emil with the gray eyes in the prologue! But she doesn't have time to chat, and runs off. GOD FINE WHO NEEDS YOU, MARTA? After introducing themselves, Marta asks Emil if he'd save her again if she needed it. Umm... Marta? You saved him. This pussy couldn't save a bag in 10 MPH winds. As Marta departs, Emil notices there is a jewel on her forehead. HMMMM. Monster's gone, so it's time to go back to Luin, but not before some more verbal abuse by Alba! Dammit Alba.

BACK TO LUIN. Off to find Richter, who is conveniently speaking with the Mayor, who lives in the second floor of the Item Shop. Shouldn't the mayor have his own house? You know, just saying... Emil tells Richter about how he saw Marta, and Richter promptly starts shaking him. CRY RAPE, EMIL. CRY RAPE AND HE'LL GO AWAY. See, you just provoked him to shake you more by not making him go away! Man, you should be glad the Mayor doesn't hate you, Emil, or he would have let Richter shake your head off. But what kind of cruel, heartless monster would refrain from hitting A while Richter shook him silly? CERTAINLY NOT I! Anyway, following Richter's abuse of Emil, Emil agrees to lead him to where Marta is. This definitely couldn't be bad at all, now could it? Richter's a good guy!

Outside, Richter tells Emil off for apologizing too much, and Emil promptly apologizes for that. You know, that happened in a certain other game, but for the life of me, I can't remember which one! Back at Lake Sinoa Cave, it's time for MORE verbal abuse by Alba! But have no fear, Richter's here, Emil! Richter tells Alba to fuck off and let Emil accompany him. Emil's, of course, scared out of his mind on what to do, until Richter tells him to stop being a dog, because even dog's can think for themselves. Emil proceeds to have another flashback! At least it's not about Richter this time, but Marta telling him to be a man. And so, for the first time, Emil stands up to his uncle! If only his courage would actually last, ja?

Inside the cavern, there are monsters, and we all know Emil can't fight, if his attempts to fight that Eggbear are any indications. Richter offers to show Emil how to fight right then and there, but you and I both know this is just a clever plot for Namco to work in a tutorial. Following one annoyingly long tutorial later, Emil has finally learned how to fight! ...ish. He still sucks badly, but at least now he knows how to guard! Emil interrogates Richter about why he needs Marta, and Richter refuses, prompting more apologies. SIGH, this is going to be a looooong journey. Emil almost walks into a monster at one, prompting more scolding, where Richter warns Emil about how if monsters take him by surprise, they can get the upper hand and attack him from behind. I kind of get the feeling Richter wouldn't mind "getting the upper hand" and attacking Emil "from behind", if you know what I mean.

Eventually, we come to a door! It's an interesting door, with the Cruxis symbol on it. HMMM. I wonder why THAT symbol is there? It's probably nothing, really. Richter opens the door and goes inside to "take care of a monster inside." And then Marta screams! Surely, she couldn't be the monster, right? She's just an ordinary loli who happens to be carrying a mysterious red jewel in her forehe--...Oh. ANOTHER FLASHBACK ABOUT MARTA YAY. I swear to God if I see one more flashback, I'm going to... URGH. Well, anyway, Emil goes inside only to find Richter holding Marta at bladepoint. Emil is not happy. WHY WOULD EMIL'S BISHIE FRIEND WANT TO HURT HIS LOLI FRIEND? IT'S INCOMPREHENSIBLE! ...Oh, well, Richter claims she's trying to awaken Ratatosk, who is a demon lord. That's not cool, you know. Ratatosk will destroy the world, after all! And then Marta claims that he's not a Demon Lord, but a Lord of Monsters! That somehow makes it all better, because monsters are totally not bad! We're then presented a choice to stop either Richter or Marta. Marta totally wants to awaken a demon lord, and that isn't cool, so let's stop her, because Richter totally isn't a bad guy. But stopping Marta seems to entail pushing her down to save her from Richter. HMM. Richter prepares to kill Emil for stopping him, and Emil says that he's not a dog and will make his own decisions, which apparently hits Richter's weak point for massive damage, and Marta escapes! Richter gets pissed off and summons Aqua, a Centurion to deal with Emil, since he now DOESN'T want to kill him. So he lets his minion take care of him. And by take care of him, I mean summon a giant turtle and kick him out.

Outside, SUDDENLY! CEILING CAT. ...Oh, wait, it's just Tenebrae. Tenebrae tells Emil he must forge a pact and become a Knight of Ratatosk, or he'll be a weakling and suck forever. But it was Marta who wants him to become a Knight. Marta wants to summon a Demon Lord, so no way Emil's helping her! We reject Tenebrae's pact and run off! SCREW YOU TENEBRAE WE DON'T NEED YOUR HELP! ...Okay, maybe we do. Tenebrae shoots some crazy purple pixie dust at Emil and he enters a magical girl transformation! Side-effects of Tenebrae's Crazy Purple Pixie Dust may include magically developing new clothes, mysteriously having the ability to fight, eyes changing color, balls dropping and receding at random, nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting. If symptoms persist, SUCK IT UP. Following another stupid tutorial involving artes, it's time to move on with the story. Tenebrae explains about Emil using Ratatosk's power, and about Centurions blablabla. LET US PURSUE MARTA. We come to a door that was sealed by Richter, so we must look for another way, with the help of the Sorcerer's Ring! But... uhh... isn't the Sorcerer's Ring an artifact of the Church of Martel? ...And in possession of Lloyd? Oh, well, we'll just claim Plot Device and be on our way.

Continuing on in the cave... Ahh, crap, another tutorial. This time about the monster system. I'm getting sick of these tutorials. After two annoying tutorials, it's time to continue. We find Richter clutching his side outside of a door. WHAT'S THE MATTER, RICHTER? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BADASS, HUH? YOU GOT YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BY LLOYD, HUH? GONNA PASS OUT FROM INJURIES, HUH? Pussy. *spits on* But I guess we should help him, so let's get Aqua to help!

Following that detour, let's go through this final door, aaaaand... There's a save point. It'd be a good idea to use said save point. I mean, it's not like there's some crazy tough boss coming up soon, but still!

We go further in, and we find Marta squaring off with Lloyd! Emil cries at Lloyd for killing his parents, and he joins Marta in fighting him! How hard could he be, really? He's LLOYD. ...sldfkjaslkfjslkrf OKAY NOT ACCORDING TO PLAN. One asskicking later, Lloyd is gone, and he took off with Lumen's Core. Marta professes her love for Emil once more, stating that he's such an amazing knight even though he failed horribly. Marta convinces him to help her out anyway, though. But it seems we're trapped now. Wandering around, we discover... a tacky mask? It's very tacky, and belongs to Lloyd. I guess some things never change. There's also an ugly poster on the wall. VEEERRYYYYY ugly. Let's burn it. ...Oh, looks like there's a switch there. Mighty convenient, that. Going outside, blablabla more stuff about Centurions. Long story short, Ratatosk is the Lord of Monsters and spirit of the Kharlan Tree, world's fucked if he isn't awakened, Aqua is neglecting her duties and that's why there's all these water disasters, people want Ratatosk's core, yadda yadda INTO LUIN.

In Luin, the party decides to head to the Mayor's House to tell him about Richter and Lloyd, but are stopped by some guy who looks like Botta's reject anorexic brother. We shall call him Hawk. Well, really, we don't have a choice. That's his NAME. The scene plays out like this.

Hawk: Come back to the Vanguard, Lady Marta.
Marta: Fuck off.
Hawk: Commander Brute said he'd forgive you for your crimes if you do. ):
Marta: Tell him to shove it up his ass.
Hawk: Bitch. GET HER.

Following an easy fight against two soldiers, we gotta run! Luin's under attack! ...Again! Dammit, Luin's a cursed city, you know that? It gets destroyed in the Kharlan War, it gets destroyed during Symphonia, it gets attacked in this game... Hell, it gets wiped off the face of the earth in Phantasia! Running running running OH GOD THEY'VE CORNERED US WHAT DO WE D--...oh some guy who looks like he'd be Botta's dad strikes down Hawk and his soldiers. Let's call him Magnar, because that's his name. he's the commandant of the Church of Martel, and despite stopping those Vanguard soldiers, he's a bad guy, too. Dammit, who ISN'T evil in this game?

Regal: ...*raises hand?*

...You don't count, Regal. Anyway, Magnar wants the core, too, and he threatens to destroy Luin. That's not cool. But Marta's safety is important or something, so it's apparently a good idea to run away even though we could totally kick their asses. ...AWW COME ON, MAGNAR LEAVE LUIN OUT OF THIS. He threatens to destroy the city--again--if they don't turn over Marta, so she decides to sacrifice herself to save the city. But that's not good, so after some scolding by Tenebrae, Emil goes after her like the loyal puppy he is. Marta presents herself to Magnar, but he's a dick and decides they'll destroy the town anyway. Aww man. THE INN'S ON FIRE OH NO! ...Eh, Flora and Alba live there. They can die. Anyway, Emil to the rescu--...Dammit he got blown up. ...RATATOSK MODE TO THE RESCUE! With the power of Ratatosk, Emil utterly pwns the soldiers, and then teams up with Marta to beat Magnar! ...And then he proceeds to beat the shit out of Magnar. It's amazing he can do that with such scrawny arms. Emil is snapped back to his senses. Ashamed, he runs away.

He then finds the two hicks, who apparently are named Dida and Moll. Very hickish names. He approaches them, but they shit their pants and run away. I guess those hicks don't take kindly to boys who have mysteriously gained power over monsters, huh? Marta then catches up to Emil and tells him the mayor wants him. Off to the mayor's house we go! Outside the house are the candidates for Worst Aunt and Uncle Ever. Alba calls him a monster. Whatever. No one cares about you two. The Mayor has a job for Emil, it seems. He wants Emil to pursue Lloyd and figure out wtf he's up to, because it's the best thing for him, or something. Also to protect him from the townspeople. It seems the Mayor is the only one who DOESN'T hate Emil. Marta and Tenebrae, since they have the same objective as Emil, are gonna follow him. Yep, that's DEFINITELY why they're going with him, and not because they're stalkers. ...OH DAMMIT ANOTHER FLASHBACK TO RICHTER. THAT. IS. IT.

Well, while the party heads to Asgard for Chapter 2, I'm going to go kick someone's ass for that last flashback.

[Poll #1393399]

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